Day 009: I feel on the verge of suffocation

August 30, 2008 | Saturday

IT HAS BEEN hours since my friend, Juan, turned to walk back from his place after having sat to visit with me. I’ve paced for hours, the same few steps forward, three steps back. And now I have sat down to think and write,  but my pencil has not been able to form the thoughts that my mind is replaying over and over. I feel on the verge of suffocation although I still breathe as I always have. My execution inches closer, and those it will affect are heavily on my mind. I don’t want those who love me hurt. God will hear my prayers and they’ll be OK.

At the moment, things seem rough, and I tell myself that I do not have the luxury of becoming emotional because it will only lead to something I’ll struggle to control. It’s hard enough, trying to get rid of this ugly feeling now. I’ve indeed identified what has me crossways. However, I am not able to easily loosen its grip. In the past, I was once a slave of my emotions. Experiencing emotional turmoil at its worst while reflecting through the fog of my torment somehow I figured that I found the key to my chains. In a sense, I have. However, knowing that I am lost and why I feel lost is only a key. Tonight I am struggling to find the keyhole. Control of my thoughts and peace of mind. I have to deliberately blinded myself to the misery. There are no two ways about it. I have to keep the faith and remain headstrong. Writing helps.


5 Responses to “Day 009: I feel on the verge of suffocation”

  1. Isabelle Says:

    Yes, keep the faith Roy, we all stay strong. We are strong together.

  2. Sr Ruth Evans Says:

    Dear Rogelio,
    The Sisters and I at this convent in England are praying for you, during this ordeal that God may be with you and strengthen you and give you hope.
    Sr Ruth Agnes

  3. Françoise Casanova Says:

    The one who love you are so happy, proud and honoured to know you, Roy. You have so much to offer to them. What you share with them is irreplaceable
    You are making them emotionally stronger and richer!

    Oh yes, Roy, keep writing and may your mind be in peace.
    Bless you.

  4. Catherine Gragg Says:

    I pray for your peace.

  5. Kiki Says:

    Me too; I keep praying for you and I send my love over to you. Writing about this is making people ‘out there’ think, believe me! We don’t know nothing and we NEED to know more, to act in our small ways towards a better world.
    God will give you the strength to not forget about your physical strength and the peace of mind to overcome the ‘smallness’ of others!

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