DAY 086: I used to dream of walking out

 November 15, 2008 | Saturday

BREAKFAST HAS come and gone. Lumps of batter called pancakes, grits, apple sauce and a half-pint of milk. I have tried sleeping till maybe when they turn the lights on at 1 a.m. and officers change shift but sleep just won’t come. A lot has my mind racing. The possibilities of both outcomes, whether it’s a stay or if they execute me.

I have said that prison routines are back to normal. The officers have changed shift. The cellblock officers who will be here for the next 12 hours (6 a.m. to 6 p.m.) have arrived and are now walking through, asking about recreation. Clockwork. Joe B. will come out to the recreation cage first. This camera cell where I am is located on the second floor and it overlooks the recreation cage. I can also see the officers in the center control tower. The camera’s monitor is in there, I can see it. There are four smaller screens on this monitor. I have figured out that the upper right screen on the monitor is where I am seen. If I stand on the toilet and cover the half globe, it blacks out the upper side of the screen. 🙂 If I turn the lights off, that part of the screen flashes. And if I turn the light off, the camera becomes infrared and they are able to see me still. I feel like a bug. Joe B is coming out now.

Afternoon. Joe Briceno has been escorted back to the cell and lunch has been served. Two hot dogs, corn, beans and mashed potatoes. Joe was telling about when he came close to being executed. He actually got stayed at noon on his day execution.  I can tell that he does not like that I am in this cell.

Half-hour later: I lay down to sleep. I jokingly told Joe that I was not going to sleep at all anymore. Chaplain Banks woke me. Banks is a volunteer chaplain on Death Row and surrounding prison units. While I spoke to Chaplain Banks, the hallway speaker crackled and advised those who had visits. I did not hear my name. However, Kat was in the recreation cage and called me afterwards to let me know I had visitors. Kat asked me how I was holding up. What do you think? It’s not time for the second-half visits to start yet. Unlike weekdays, on Saturdays there are only two visitation sessions. The first session is from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m., the second is from 8 to 10 p.m. On weekdays, it’s whenever you arrive, between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.

So I snuck outside today. 🙂 It was really cool. The weather, I mean. My favorite season of the year is fall. I have a lot of fond memories that this season unlocks. It was nice to breathe cool fresh air. Now I’m wondering who set up the visit. It’s getting close to the second-half visits.

10:55 p.m. The visit was awesome. It was my sister Dina and all of her daughters. Four of them were here. Adela, Baby Dina, Calesto and Kaira. Tara was missing but she is 17 years old and would count as an adult coming in. Only two adults are allowed in at a time, per visit. Dina and Adela. I ate. 🙂 It was great to see them and good too because they might not have been here Monday morning! They heard about the court hearing being held and were planning to be there!! I’m glad they came. Adela brought her son. He (Guero) is a cute, little round dude. He looks like Dennis the Menace. Ha Ha. After our visit, I stepped out of the visitation building, looked over my shoulder and watched my family walk down the sidewalk towards the gate and building that leads out from this place. I used to dream often of walking out myself and among them. I’ve misplaced those dreams, but with my legal team putting my case completely together, something positive is bound to happen. Soon I may start to dream those dreams and of Indiana nights. It’s been a long day. 

16 Responses to “DAY 086: I used to dream of walking out”

  1. corina Says:

    Rogelio, yo se que un dia vas a salir de alli. Yo sigo rezando para ti.
    Que bueno que vistes a tu hermana y sus hijas. Que bueno que ellas te soportan. Manana mi mama va con mis tias a ver sus hermanas en California. Mi tio tambien ira. Yo no voy, pero como deseyo que podria. Ni modo, como dice mi amigo.
    Espero que mi tio Juan vaya a verte muy pronto. De seguro quiere felicitarte de tu “stay of execution”. No pierdas la fe.
    Estoy rezando por ti. Corina

  2. Dave Says:

    is this it? no more?

  3. Jacki Says:

    Hi Rod I’m from Australia. I’ve read bits & pieces of your diary. I used to believe in the death penalty for people who do terrible crimes but now I’m not so sure. It’s easy to want to take a person’s life if they have done something awful but not so easy if you put face to that person. Do you regret what you did and why on Earth did you do it.
    The Bali Bombers have just been shot for killing 202 people who were just out partying & having a great time. They killed in the name of religion. You could never rehabilitate people like that & I’m glad they’re gone. But how about you. Do you honestly know that you would never be violent ever again. Forgive my candour. I’m just courious

  4. Melissa Says:

    I have been reading your entries with great interest. I am totally against the death penalty. I just want to say you are in my thoughts and may God bless you and keep you safe. Where there is life there is hope. P.S I too am from Australia

  5. Tina Church Says:

    Roy,

    These Indiana nights are now cold and snowy, but we don’t care do we?

    RHIANON sends her forever love!!

    I send you a hug.

    T

  6. K Says:

    Hi dear Roy!
    My favourite saying is: » Friends let you know, that you are not alone.« You are not alone. You have lot of friends from all over the world who deeply feel for you, love and support from your family. Through your blogs you taught us about many things. I hope you will continue to write this blog. You touched us with your words and you opened our eyes and hearts.
    I have one favour to ask you. Can you write something more about Joey Ries? He was just such young man…His death was so senseless. Like many others. Sad.

    Stay strong!

    K.. from Slovenia

  7. Holly Says:

    I have read from day one to day 86 (you are missing 77 to 82) in the last 3 days. Done a bit of research on your case, but I’m interested. Why do you not mention your original crime? Or even the people? You have said nothing, showed no regret or empathy for no one. I understand the crime in prison, things happen that only people there will ever understand. Even those that work there will never understand. But I wonder how you feel about the original situation that brought you to prison in the first place. Your eyes, your words, just a brief overview for your fellow followers. I think it might help some of us understand your journal even more. Think about it. I will continue to read and look forward to your response.
    Best wishes for your spirits.

  8. foxjacket Says:

    Hi Rogelio, I have similar questions as Jacki and Holly. Just to be clear, I am utterly against the death penalty, believe it is abhorrent, dispicable and hypocritical and solves aboslutely nothing. I even disagree with it in the situation of the Bali bombers because killing them solves nothing, except to quench people’s thirst for revenge and for a simple “solution.” Even if they are gone, others are willing to take their place to kill more people until something is done about the issues they are trying to highlight (of course I don’t agree with their tactics!). Things are just going to continue as is!

    Anyway, I understand that you were put on death row for killing your inmate. Before that, you were serving two consecutive life sentences for killing a 13- and 15-year-old. I would be interested to hear what you have to say about those crimes, if you ever had contact with the victims’ families and what your life was like before jail. Have you ever come to terms with what you’ve done, how have you taken responsibility (aside from being in jail) as a human being, and on a spiritual level? I realize I am just a stranger with really no business in your affairs, but I have always wondered about these things – why people do the horrible things they do, how they live with their crimes, how everyone (victims’ families and perpetrator included) heals, forgives and move on (if they do). You have created this amazing forum, so I wanted to take the opportunity to use it. Thank you!

  9. Elizabeth Tamayo Says:

    Hi Roy,
    God is so good! Keep up the fatih. Your brother Gary, his wife and son came to the rosary. You have made an impact on alot of people here en el valle. Melissa Lucio is on death row and she is from Harlingen her family also came to the rosary and we prayed for her too. Your brother Bobby ex mother in law also came to pray for you. We love you and will be praying the rosary once a month for you.

    Love Tia Liz

  10. André Duchiade Says:

    I’m writing from Brazil, and have read all Rogelio’s posts. We don’t have death penalties in my country (in spite of a lot of illegal killings perpetrated by agents of the state), but I’m still solidary to all those who suffer this outrageous crime. I think when people say someone has to die, they’re actually denying the idea of humankind as something possible. We can never do that.

    Rogelio is an example of resistance, and is good to see that, by his own way, he could free himself.

    Cuidate, amigo.
    André Duchiade

    PS: I’d like to write Rolegio’s a letter. Is that possible? Should I write to what adress?

  11. Maria Says:

    Hello,

    My sister informed me about your journal (she can not stop reading it either, I think you have her hooked). Initially I questioned your whole situation as to what placed you were you are and I tried to justify your results. Upon reading your journal I realized that it was easier for me to put up a wall rather than face the reality that you are a person. I can not imagine being in your place and being able to handle this as well as you have. You are a very stron man. Upon reviewing your case and reading up on others it is hard to say who should or should not get this punishment or if it should be handed out at all. I do realize that it is being handed out a lot more than it should be.
    I enjoy your entries. It allows me to be there for you in a small way. I do hope that you continue to write as it allows people to understand YOU. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I was glad to hear about your stay. YAY!!!

    Maria

  12. Krystal Says:

    Roy,
    You should keep dreaming, while we all prey your dreams comes true.
    Keep your head up am remain focused an positive, it would be hard but I believe you have the strength.
    Krystal

  13. Kiki Says:

    Rogelio, sorry for being quiet for such a long time. Yet, you are constantly inhabiting my world of thoughts, feelings, you’re part of my prayers…. Like so many who comment here, I still have no idea how one lives with such heavy debts to other humans and I truly would love to look into your heart and soul to see how you have learned to live with everything that you made happen and that has happened to you. I would never judge and will always pray, and above all, we are never to loose hope that – in the end – all will be forgiven and you’ll be a free man. Truly free, not only in front of human beings, but free within yourself.
    A word I have heard a month ago, is following me through the days: You can never fall lower than in(to) the hand of God. Let this be a consolation for you and dream your dreams 🙂
    Kiki

  14. John, Liverpool, UK Says:

    Great news about the stay. The death penalty is nothing more than revenge; it is certainly not justice! I don’t know how the USA can call itself a civilised country! Civilised countries do not commit state-sanctioned clinical murder. In Europe we are civilised, we don’t kill people to satisfy right-wing bible bashers. However, although I don’t beleive in the death penalty, I do think an expression of remorse, a desire to rehabilitate and an endeavour to show the victim’s family how sorry you are from your heart is required in your blog entries. Let’s hope Texas, the USA and the world in general work towards outlawing the outrageous practice of execution. I hope you have a future in which you can go some way to make right your wrongs.

  15. Rhianon Says:

    Roy, I miss you so much….Love you more, your Rhianon. xx

  16. Lucky Says:

    Hi Roy,

    I hope that you received my letter now.
    Maybe the airplane has flown a wrong way maybe to china. 😮 😉
    Long time ago it happend that a letter went to Hamudistan. 😮
    Oh excuse me, Hamudistan is a wonderful country between Persia and Iran.

    My rascal overhelmed me again and I know that you are laughing now.
    It is very good for your health. :-))

    So long,

    Lucky 🙂

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