DAY 084: Now he is walking out. No words. Nothing


 November 13, 2008 | Thursday

ANOTHER TOAD pulled the recreation stunt on me. They are so hilarious. They must have been the funniest jokes in their past. Ugly face toad. I have been on 24-hour lock-down for a month. Regardless, I am holding steady. No recreation? No problem.

Another day has begun. Sha’ is being placed in the recreation cage. Today is his execution day. However, he has no visits and will stay there until they come for him at noon. Chaplain Vitela has come to advise me that his request to hold a mass for me has been denied by Warden Lester. Years ago I had told Juan about my urge to sit through a church service. Last week I mentioned this to Chaplain Vitela. He told me that in the past he had held a mass (it would be his wife, another chaplain, a local parish minister and myself, in handcuffs). However, the request was denied. It won’t unbalance me. My understanding and personal relationship with God is what will sustain me through the most trying of times.

Speaking of the warden, there he is. I can see him through this clean spot on the Plexiglas. He is speaking to Sha’. Gauging Sha’ to see if there is going to be problems. It’s unusual for anybody not to have last-day visits.

(Minutes later) Sha’ is being escorted to the shower. His last. And now he is walking out. No words. Nothing.

Late afternoon. Kat was told that he needs to pack up because he is being moved to the camera cell where Gigi has been taken from. If they move me, it will be tomorrow. 


2 Responses to “DAY 084: Now he is walking out. No words. Nothing”

  1. Rachel Says:


    I am sorry to hear that your request to attend a Mass was denied. Although not hugely religious, I am a Christian, and I really feel that to be able to attend a Mass should be a right not a privilege. I hope now that you have received your stay that you do get to attend a Mass sometime 🙂

    As I read your journal entries, it strikes me that death watch is just one big production line – one person out of a camera cell, next one in….. It really saddens me to think that any human being has to live through that kind of emotional turmoil.

    Stay strong,

  2. Shawn Says:

    Rogelio, I just got back from mass! I wish you could have gone with me. I’ll go tomorrow to St. Mary’s here and arrnange some masses to be be offered for you. I’ll write you back to tell you when they will be. I don’t know why I didn’t do that before. As a convert with a crazy past I often even after eighteen years of faith – still think, “I can’t believe this is ME!” when I’m on the way up to Communion. Now I even give the Host to others which is even harder to believe sometimes. You make me even more grateful. St. Joan of Arc was denied mass too when she was in prison. She used to kneel in her chains outside the chapel door if she could until her guards came to take her away. When I can’t go to mass I pray what is called a Spiritual Communion. I say, “Jesus I cannot now receive you in Holy communion but I ask you to come spiritually into my heart now; purify it, sactify it, possess it completely. Jesus, gentle and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine.” I also think my guardian angels attend mass for me when I can’t. Maybe that’s a goofy idea but I like it. Maybe you will like it to. I will offer God my next reception of Holy Communion and my next mass for you since you can’t go.
    Shawn Rain

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