I am headstrong but not made of steel

April 24, 2010 | Saturday

THIS IS CRAZY! I heard my neighbor tell somebody that he is counting down the days to his death. Well, I mean being realistic about our situation is something I definitely do not hide from (read “The Last Sentence”) but to hear him say it could possibly open the door to an honest discussion about it.

Wait: don’t get me wrong. I still want very much for my situation to be resolved, but you have to know how insane this is! A tight feeling is trying to grip my chest. OK. I’m being brutally honest here, but inside I remain myself. I am headstrong but not made of steel. Human in every sense of the word. I have feelings of frustration, fear, excitement, I and do get sad, but happy too.

I think that I’ll concentrate on the latter feeling: Norma… Yes?! I love you, Babe. Ya lo sabes.

IT’S SOMETIME IN 1982 and I’m at the beach with my family. I must be 10 years of age. Small. Skinny. I loved to swim and I’m swimming out … far. In my mind, I am swimming out so far where nobody will ever find me. I have swum out so far that everybody on the beach looks like tiny specks. I get the feeling that sharks are swimming near me and I frantically swim back as fast as I can. Once back on the beach I’ve got to run along the coast to find my family. I see my brother Gary and am relieved. I see that he has a bologna sandwich in his hand and I run to the car to get one myself. Seagulls are flying above and I toss a piece of bread up to them. The seagulls flock around, waiting for more. I take a slice of bread when my mom is not watching because she has told me to leave the birds alone. I am fascinated by them and want to catch one but they get in flight too fast for me. I watch them fight for a piece of bread and, as one seagull drops it, a mad rush to the sand ensues. I wrap a shell in bread and toss it up so a seagull will drop it. I run to catch a seagull as they come down but they quickly see me coming and I watch as they take flight. The sun has tanned me good. I attempt to bury myself in the sand and I watch the seagulls soar above me. It must have been the summer of 1982. Where were you?

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5 Responses to “I am headstrong but not made of steel”

  1. Kiki Says:

    Now you’re breaking my heart Rogelio. I have been sending out letters to the state representatives asking them to overturn your death sentence. You should be allowed to recall your dreams and memories until your ‘natural’ end…. – Thank you for sharing your ‘pictures’ – in summer 82 I was likely to be either at the beach of our lake nearby with my little son or at work for an international company…. or I might have been in the woods, walking son and dog…., or daydreaming….. I am smiling and I send you a smile, together with my prayers, because you need all our smiles (and the rest)…

  2. Rosy Says:

    Dear Rogelio
    Today I have sent out the letters to state representatives to overturn your death sentence. Recieve my daily priers. God will never abandon you. I send you per post a nice post-card fom a wonderful and peaceful icon. Il helps me also to pray.
    Love Rosy

  3. Tina Church Says:

    God bless you Roy,

    Hug ya,

    Tina

  4. Norma Says:

    Hey, Love. I do know it. I also know I don’t want that open door, honest discussion.. Let’s, for now, focus on that skinny ten year old playing with the gulls…

  5. A Believer! Says:

    WHY? Has this case not been picked up by the Innocence Projects? This is so like the many cases that get quieted down and covered-up. http://www.chasingjustice.com is a FINE example of how young people are SCARED and railroaded into these sentences. Sorry, I did not know about this until just now. My petitions to God have been made in Jesus name.

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